Man, I feel like one of those guys on “House Surgery” or “House Eye for the House Guy” because I look around RotoViz today and it’s unrecognizable! Have you clicked some of these links? This site is a straight up stunner. They used to say Steve Jobs’ brilliance was in showing you what you didn’t even realize you desperately needed.
It almost makes me want to write in a way that is more beautiful, too. My folks tried to instill this idea that a clean room represents a clean brain, and I’d be better at homework and maybe better in school if I kept my room tidy. Maybe this redesign will improve my writing. Let’s see.
There has been a lot said about this rookie class. Many well-respected analysts have weighed in with their big boards, their mock drafts, their draft guides. They’ll posture and huff and pound their chests and flex with the confidence of someone who is prepared for confrontation, emboldened by the thoroughness of their research! TREMBLE, READER, BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE PREPARED ANALYST!
In fact I’ve only really investigated one player at all, Hakeem Butler, the big fast sexy dynamo with unreal production and great hands; the guy I think you should take 1.01.
But what about the rest of this class? Having completed no real research whatsoever, I’m going to share something much more valuable with you: using our new rookie rankings to give me a framework, I’ll give you my Hunch™ about each player.
What is the Hunch™?
Some call it intuition. Others, farsight, or greensight (for Game of Thrones fans). Others still call it sorcery, magic, or even luck. No matter what you call it, the Hunch™ has predicted players like JuJu Smith-Schuster, and Odell Beckham Jr. This is why I am recognized as one of the finest data scientists in history; and for sure top three or four alive today.
As we say here at RotoViz, “results outweigh process.”
Even the most dedicated data scientists acknowledge that my “hunch” is the most reliable predictor of performance year after year. Many of the industry’s experts have messaged me privately in hopes I will reveal this year’s hunch.— S🤪LIS (@popularffwriter) June 16, 2018
Here it is: The only player I covet is JuJu.
Wave of new stat-head followers thanks to the endorsement from my disciple, @friscojosh . I know you're looking for the edge that only my hunch can provide. Last year, I had a hunch about JuJu; see what happened?— S🤪LIS (@popularffwriter) March 19, 2019
This year, let's just say I've got a good feeling about OBJ. 🤑💰
Disregard the Hunch™ at your peril.
I started where all analysts start, by googling “N’Keal Harry.”
From the looks of things, he’s a “basketball wide receiver” which bodes well for his redzone usage. Anyone who played Madden ’07 can tell you Antonio Gates is a football player who uses basketball moves to make football plays! Harry’s hybrid-athlete status suggests he’s got a lot of Gates or Jimmy Graham to his game. “Women Studies” as a major sounds a bit like “Federal Boob Inspector” but I am willing to overlook this.
Harry is maybe the best tight end in the draft. Disagree with the ‘Viz that he’s 1.01 (that goes to Hakeem), but I gotta say I’m impressed.
A.J. Brown is the guy everyone thinks is underrated. If he’s so underrated, why is he in every top-three list?
Look, you can take this guy at 1.02, like RotoViz suggests, or you can avoid him altogether like I will.
What’s that? He’s not on my board at all?
Yeah that’s right. SORRY if it’s not “politically correct,” but I prefer my slot receivers to not be MORBIDLY OBESE.
When I was 21, I was attending San Diego State University. I had no help from my parents, which built character,1 but I was also starving and penniless. One of my tricks was to wear one of those hats with the little propeller on top and order off the children’s menu at restaurants. Sure, the kid’s menu was mostly limited to hot dogs, chicken fingers, or mac and cheese, but I really like all of those meals and we’re talking like two or three dollars, tops.
Anyway here is what D.K. Metcalf, an actual 21-year-old, looks like.
One of the industry’s most-respected analysts called Butler a “larger, faster Mike Evans.”
Hakeem Butler has it all. Impossibly, he is a larger, faster Mike Evans with similar collegiate production and even more yards per reception (22ypr; jeez). On film, he looks like a pro, regularly pulling of circus catches and soaring above defenders. https://t.co/t79K4lYqPt— S🤪LIS (@popularffwriter) March 19, 2019
Josh Jacobs is a less-athletic Christine Michael with similar production and no rap skills to speak of. This RB group looks like a real stinker; I’m sure the site that invented “Zero RB” won’t rank a bunch of these guys in a row….
Hey, I’m gonna break the fourth wall for a second and admit that I honestly didn’t know who Miles Sanders was before I started writing this.
Looks like my peers have placed Saquon Barkley‘s understudy ahead of Damien Harris, who outperformed Josh Jacobs in every way.
Guys, the Jarryd Hayne experiment failed and at least he was in his 20’s. This is going to be a disaster.
Oh, I know this song. RB named “David,” played in “Iowa,” caught a shitload of passes in school.
Here’s another guy who’s so “under the radar” that he’s only literally everyone on earth‘s sleeper. Whether they call him “JJ” or “JAWS,” everyone’s got something to say about this receiver, and it’s almost always glowing.
What I like about him is he reminds me vaguely of Sacha Baron Cohen’s Jean Girard, from the actually underrated Talladega Nights.
“Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different.”
When you hear "Noah Fants" this draft season, don't let your response be, "None taken." https://t.co/A8a0wL4oD8— devin mcintyre (@devinmci) April 1, 2019
Now THAT’s what I like to see!
Damien Harris, relegated to the end of the first round by my esteemed RotoViz colleagues. What did you ever do, except everything anyone could have hoped for? It’s not your fault you demolished Josh Jacobs in rushing (and scrimmage) yards every year you played together. Nobody blames you for being so patient, so powerful.
Maybe it’s your three career fumbles? Your superior pass protection? Your film-darling hip-rolls and crisp footwork?
Maybe it’s because you were brave enough to compete at the combine, where you showed promising size-adjusted speed and sincerely eye-opening burst.
Or maybe analysts are so smitten by what Josh Jacobs “could be” they’ve completely overlooked you and your accomplishments. Jacobs wears short skirts; you wear sneakers. Jacobs is cheer captain; you’re on the bleachers. You’re dreaming about the day that we wake up and find that what we’re looking for has been here the whole time.
Well, I think I understand. You’ve been here all along, and I can clearly see: You’re my 1.03.
- thanks guys (back)